Hello! Come and join me for a little family hike and adventure in English around one of the étangs de la minière! We will meet at 9 in the parking, walk around one of the lakes and finish with a small picnic at the picnic tables before returning to the parking. This is a very kid-friendly event! Please bring the whole family and know that we will walk slow to accomodate kids of all ages. We will speak exclusively in English! Bring water and a packed lunch for the picnic. No food will be provided. Suggested donation for the organization and English speaking : 5 euros per person. https://www.meetup.com/Montigny-le-Bretonneux-Creative-Kids-Families/events/272442834/ Bonjour! Venez me rejoindre pour une petite randonnée et aventure en famille (entièrement en anglais!) autour d'un des étangs de la minière. Nous nous retrouvons à 9h dans le parking, nous allons faire un tour d'un des étangs et terminer sur un espace pique-nique avant de retourner au parking. Cet évènement est approprié pour toute la famille, surtout des enfants de toutes âges! Nous allons marcher lentement pour accommoder tout le monde. Nous allons parler uniquement en anglais! Et si vous êtes sages, nous apprenons une chanson de randonnée pour les enfants en anglais! S'il vous plaît, amenez de l'eau et emportez votre déjeuner si vous restez pour le pique-nique. Aucun repas sera fournis. La donation suggérée pour l'organisation et le partage d'anglais: 5 euros par personne. https://www.meetup.com/Montigny-le-Bretonneux-Creative-Kids-Families/events/272442834/

If you still follow the news (I mostly quit 3 years ago, but somehow some things are impossible to miss), or watch documentaries, or inform yourself otherwise about humanity, you may be feeling a bit like me: hopeless, lost, scared, confused, and even angry. And then, like me, you may run into someone who tells you that getting angry is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. Something which in a moment of extreme anger feels totally true. So then - looking at all the selfish, self-serving decisions of some of our fellow humans, conveniently those with money (read: with power), how do you manage to continue to love humankind? I am writing this blog as more of a real question that I pose to you. I am looking for your responses; because honestly, I don't know. It's a question I've asked myself all year long. It's a struggle I've wrestled with; and in my personal program of spirituality, I keep coming back to unconditional love, non-judgement, faith, trust, hope, patience, acceptance - all the spiritual principles that in the end leave me feeling like a pansy who is allowing herself and her beautiful planet and her beautiful cohabitants of that planet to be taken advantage of. When is violence justified? When is the moment to take a stand? How do I take that stand? How do I not lose hope? In Yogic philosophy, one of the kleshas, or causes of suffering, is ignorance that we are all part of the one greater consciousness. So those who trample on me and the rest of the world are also part of that greater consciousness. They are also part of me - and you. But how do we keep them from destroying everything beautiful? Can we? Should we?

So, it's been a while - and it's been many hours in bed for this hibernating faerie. This year, the winter time has hit me harder than ever...causing boosts of energy late in the night and a seriously hard time getting out of bed until around 10:30 am, when the sun itself was finally starting to rise. I've had a hard journey since the Solstice...we had a beautiful exhibition in Berlin to bring light back into the world that was very low on attendance and left me feeling a bit empty and sad - grateful for the time I spent with close friends and family, but sad for the artists who prepared beautiful and amazing things and were left with just a small group to share it with. Furthermore, Facebook's ultra-capitalist algorithms caused the event boost to be a 30euro drain on my resources. Disclaimer: [I cannot prove that Facebook has an algorithm to encourage clients to pay more each time they boost something by diminishing the effectiveness of the boost based on a similar pay rate, but I have spoken to enough people who have had a similar experience to believe that it is true. What happened to me is that I boosted the 7x7 exhibition for 30euros and we had over 200 responses, including shares and likes and people who came to the event. I did the same exact thing this time for Yule, and we had maybe 10 responses and no one who showed up. The events were essentially the same, with many similar artists, the only major difference that definitely played a part being the time of year (the darkest weekend of the year in a city where most of the international inhabitants left for the holidays). That being said, I firmly believe that Facebook took that money and did basically nothing with it...asking me every day to add money to the campaign to increase my results. I never did and the result was an empty exhibition hall, which made me sad - though grateful for the intimate time I got to spend with the artists who came and our close friends.] It could also be the time of year. It continued to be dark until late in the morning and early in the night and I just couldn't find the time or energy to do much more than sleep and read. That being said, I did a lot of reading and sleeping and today I woke up at 8 and hit the gym feeling refreshed. SO in the end, I guess it's a good time to take some lessons from nature, who herself cuts out the unnecessary costs (like taking care of leaves or sprouting new sprouts during the winter time) and goes to sleep - conserving energy to survive the long, cold nights and to wake up new and refreshed on the brink of spring...

Recently, I was introduced to an amazing feminist podcast in French: les couilles sur la table. This translates literally to "balls on the table". If you understand even the tiniest bit of French, I highly recommend check this podcast out: I bring this up because during the latest episode: "Ce que la soumission féminine fait aux hommes" (What the feminine submission does to men) our journalist Victoire Tuaillon speaks with Manon Garcia, a philosopher and professor interested in female submissive behavior. I am not going to recap the entire episode (I highly recommend listening if you understand French - or if not, check out some of the writings available online, in English by Garcia such as "We are not born submissive, we become" (Original: "on ne nâit pas soumise, on le devient")) but in this podcast, Garcia speaks about submissiveness - the pop culture and media programming which has encouraged women to remain submissive in order to be suitable for a mate, or to be able to keep their jobs, or to avoid provoking violent, violative acts such as rape or abuse. Furthermore, she goes on to speak about what this does to men, particularly those men who don't necessarily prefer a submissive woman nor assuming the position of dominance. What interested me during this episode in the context of privileged attitudes and behaviors is one moment when Garcia and Tuaillon begin digest a comment from Garcia that "ce n'est pas vrai qu'on est tous des être-humains." (It is not true that we are all human beings) and they begin to discuss the inherent male privilege implied in their capacity to deny their "maleness." This is a response to the commentary of some men who say "But I am not a man, why do you force me to be a man? I am a human being." What this comment ignores is the fact that human beings are conditioned to see the "male figure" or "female figure" or more and more frequently the "queer figure" or "non-gender binary figure" from the outset and to make an immediate judgement based on that image and their associations to what the category means to them. Therefore, to make this comment requires denying a certain privilege that is inaccessible to others, which (the denial) is in and of itself, a privilege. Just after listening to this podcast, I picked up a book loaned to me by the same friend, Sarah, who introduced me to the podcast: "Le Racisme est un Problème de Blancs" by Reni Eddo-Lodge, which is a translation from the English: "Why I'm no longer talking to white people about race." In the preface, she says "Although I analyze invisible whiteness and ponder its exclusionary nature often, I watch as an outsider. I understand that this isn't the case for most white people, who move through the world unaware of their own race until its dominance is called into question...In culture particularly, the positive affirmations of whiteness are so widespread that the average white person doesn't even notice them...to be white is to be human; to be white is to be universal. I only know this because I am not." (xvi-ii). Tuaillon and Garcia argue that in order to reject being a man in lieu of saying "I am a human being," "it's necessary to be a man." What she means is, one must have the privilege of already being something in order to be able to reject that privilege. For a woman, this is not so. For a trans person, this is not so, with a small exception of those who are able to "fully transition" or to camouflage, but even then, there's the administrative and emotional hurdles to tackle, which can takes weeks, months, years, if ever. Eddo-Lodge argues a similar point, albeit on the platform of race. In order for a white person to understand the structural racism in place, this person must first understand the privilege they have in being white, an inherent culturally reinforced privilege that they can never extend to a person of color, no matter how hard they try, which in turn creates an inequality on the playing field from the gate. Entering into a conversation about race with a person of color as a white person is not an even draw, regardless of how "anti-racist" you are. Furthermore, entering into a conversation about sex (the gender identity) with a woman as a man is not an even draw, regardless of how "feminist" or "humanist" you are. Ruminating on this point, this lead me to a thought about the privilege of "acting as if." Realizing that the playing field is not an even one, I can't help but wonder what would happen if every person who feels that way was able to beat the culturally reinforced sexism and racism by beginning to act as if. By simply refusing, from somewhere very deep inside, to allow society to continue to perpetuate these violent and harmful lies by refusing to change our behavior on the basis of internalizing them. I realize that this, at the outset, seems simplistic and potentially even offensive. Please, let me try to explain. Since listening to the podcast and starting Eddo-Lodge's book, I had my first two real-world encounters with French male sexism. On Thursday, after riding my bike for 45 minutes from Saint-Quentin-en-Yvelines to Viroflay Rive Gauche, I was explaining to a man, who I know, but not very well that I was 10 minutes late to our rendez-vous because my Google Maps lost me in the forest and then my phone died, when he cut me off to say that "you should really avoid riding your bike right now because it's dark out and wintertime, anyways, you are a woman." (Mais, Audrey! Il faut eviter de y aller en vélo maintenant! Il fait toute sombre, il est l'hiver et...quand même tu es une femme). I was so shocked when he said this that I actually think my jaw dropped. Coming from New Jersey and then Berlin, I'm just not used to hearing phrases like this. I'm not saying that America or Germany are better off, I'm sure there are those who would speak this way, but what I'm saying is I hadn't heard someone so blatantly imply that my womanness should prevent me from having the same liberties as a man. My eyes widened, the conversation stopped with a "merci, bonne soirée, au revoir!" (Thank you, good evening, see you next time). I understand the very easy response to this: that this guy was just stating the obvious and that he was being considerate of me. That he was just worried about me. I understand that women are more likely to be attacked by men and less likely to be able to defend themselves, in general. However, what underlies what this man said to me is the idea that I do not have the same freedom as a man because society is messed up and that I should change my behavior to accommodate for it. His point of view is actually reinforcing systemic sexism, rather than challenging the society (which is what's actually messed up!). What this man could be doing rather than encouraging women to exercise less freedom is encouraging men to exercise more respect. If "caring: men like this spent more time promoting women's freedoms rather than locking the women safe and sound behind closed doors, perhaps we wouldn't have as many problems...perhaps. The next morning, I received a call in response to a paper with my name, phone number, and a little paragraph about my experiences as a babysitter that I posted around the neighborhood where I live. It was not the response that I wanted. It was the guardian of the residence who was extremely concerned for my personal safety that I had done such a thing. He said "Why did you put a photo on there, that could draw attention to you." To which I replied, "Well, that's kind of the point." At the end of 3 long minutes of listening to his "extreme concern," I ended the call by simply asking him whether or not he was requesting that I remove the papers because it goes against the rules of the residence. He said no. I said merci, bonne journée, au revoir (thnak you, have a good day, see you next time) and hung up. My partner who was present and listening to my end of the call was surprised at how little I responded to this man. I replied to my partner that, like Eddo-Lodge, I'm not going to wasting my time convincing men that they are sexist. In order for them to be able to realize this, they need to do some serious self reflection on their inherent male privileges first AND the ways in which their attitudes and more importantly, actions (including words) reinforce that privilege. Until then, merci, bonne soirée, au revoir. Last night, I rode my bike home from Viroflay Rive Gauche to SQY like I do most nights, when the weather is good enough (by which I mean, it's not raining). Upon putting it back in the bike storage, I stopped to reattach one of the corners of one of my posts for babysitting near the mailboxes of the residence, which had started to come off. Despite wanting to take the train because "what if something does happen to me" and despite the panic I had when I had a text on my phone this morning from a number I didn't recognize calling me "honey" (a friend I had forgotten to properly save into contacts), I have decided to act as if. I have decided to act as if these constraining, controlling, paranoid comments, which come, by the way, 100% of the time from men, do not phase me. I am going to exercise my same liberties. I am going to act as if. In the podcast, Tuaillon and Garcia digest the theories of Simone de Beauvoir, who wrote "Le Deuxième Sexe (The Second Sex) and Sartre, with whom Beauvoir is often associated. Sartre, the French existentialist known for his theories on the "anguish of freedom" believed that L’homme est condamné à être libre ("Man is condemned to be free) because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does." (Mittal). Garcia digests this by explaining" "At birth there are certain facts about us but we are born absolutely free and therefore it is in bad faith to act as if we are influenced by these facts about us." (à la naissance il y'a certaines faits à propos nous mais on est née absolutement libre donc c'est de la mauvaise fois de faire comme si on était influencer par ces faits à propos de nous. 12:45). Beauvoir on the other hand disagrees strongly with this by saying that we cannot escape our gender or culture. Garcia explains, "On ne peut pas faire comme si on était pas juif On ne peut pas faire comme si on était pas noir. On ne peut pas faire comme si on était pas femme. Ça c'est de la mauvaise fois." (We cannot act as if we are not jewish...or black...or a woman. That is in bad faith." Tuaillon continues on this point by saying..."Et donc on ne peut pas faire comme si on était pas homme. On ne peut pas faire comme si on était pas blanc. On ne peut pas faire comme si on était pas bourgeois." (And therefore, we cannot act as if we are not a man...or white...or bourgeois 13:32). And Garcia brings it home by explaining. "C'est le privilege des hommes, des blancs, et des bourgeois de pouvoir se raconter qu'ils peuvent faire comme si" (It is the privilege of men, white people, and the bourgeoisie to be able to tell themselves that they can act as if" 13:38). SO there it is. The privilege to act as if we are not. Without denying hundreds and even thousands of years of victimization but rather by accepting it, is it then possible for women, for people of color, for any underprivileged or minority group to act as if? What would happen if, collectively, we refused to internalize white and/or male dominance by acting as if it didn't exist? by refusing to change our behavior, to hide ourselves, to keep our mouths shut, to accept jobs for less pay, to put up with abuse, to let someone else tell us we deserved it? Are we numerous enough? What would happen if - ? Citations: Eddo-Lodge, Reni. "Why I'm no longer talking to white people about race." Preface. https://www.bloomsbury.com/au/why-im-no-longer-talking-to-white-people-about-race-9781408870570/ Mittal, Tarun. "To be is to be: Jean-Paul Sartre on existentialism and freedom." 06.21.2017. Your Story, 2018. https://yourstory.com/2017/06/jean-paul-sartre-philosophy-existentialism-freedom/ "Sartre : L’homme est condamné a être libre." La-Philosophie.com, 2018. https://la-philosophie.com/homme-condamne-etre-libre-sartre

Ah, rejection. The sweet, slow burn to the ego that makes you just want to crawl under your covers and die - makes you never want to step up to bat again, finds you swinging your practice bat in the middle of the night when no one's looking, or singing in the shower but certainly not when someone might hear... oh, rejection. Recently, I applied for a major scholarship. It was suggested to me to apply and I thought, well, why not? What's the worse that could happen? So I did all the work, which turned out to be a lot more than I originally expected, but I did it - giving it as much as I could before crossing the finish line until the day that I submitted it. I had support from my Alma Mater, Rutgers, and those who wrote me the recommendations, so it was a bonding experience - we were all in this thing together. Deep down, I truly believed that there was no way I would get selected for such an scholarship. I am still amazed that I am alive. I am still amazed that I am a walking, living, being, that people want to offer me jobs and give me responsibilities, that in 1 week I will celebrate 7 years clean from heroin, that I have a computer and a house and a relationship with my family. I had small goals, like staying clean. And then I received a very peculiar email, which said: "Congratulations! You have been selected as a finalist and we'd like you to come to New York City for an interview." What a trip. I went shopping with my mother for the perfect outfit (I never go shopping); I wore my little superstitions items for good luck and when the day came, I had a raging headache and a horrible sinus infection but I pulled my big girl panties up and I showed up. I left that interview completely confused. I had absolutely no idea how it went and suddenly, I cared a lot. If I didn't make it now, I had 6 faces of the people who rejected me. Now, it wasn't just words or numbers on the paper that weren't good enough. It would be me. Luckily, this particular scholarship tells you almost immediately, as in the next day, which for me was the equivalent of the silver medal at the Olympics: I got put on the "reserve list." It would be another 3 weeks before I'd find out if someone who had received the scholarship was going to decide that they had better things to do and pass it on like an old dirty pair of jeans, to me. There was a study I read a while ago that said that the most disappointed person at the Olympics is the silver medalist. The Gold, of course, is elated. The bronze medalist is just happy to be there (see photo above, she's more elated than the rest of them). But the silver...the silver almost says: well, you almost did it! The silver medalist deals with the obsessive thoughts about her tiniest mistakes, which took that person just one step away from getting what they most desired: the gold. Disappointment, especially in oneself, is no psychological joke. I understand completely the desire not to try, in an effort to attempt to control the amount of disappointment that comes into your life. However, I encourage you to be clear that this is what you are doing - so that your decision is a choice, rather than an unconscious mantra keeping you caught up in fear and making the playing field lean so much more unevenly towards those who want to keep you there - and the medals, or scholarships, or jobs, or Presidents - in the hands of those who they can better control. Not trying is the only sure-fire way to stop yourself from getting what you want. Furthermore, it's a sure-fire way to help those interested in getting that same thing lower their odds by singling you (and all the others who think like you) out. It is a mantra of the disempowered, of those who have internalized that there's no chance for "someone like me" and I am here to tell you that crazier things have happened - and though getting out there and giving it a go doesn't always lead to the thing your ego most wants - it does very often lead to other, even more exciting things, that never would've happen if you'd stayed at home. As for my scholarship, I still don't know - but luckily I made the decision to challenge all my fear- and ego-based mantras controlling my life seven years ago, so today I am just feeling grateful that I gave it a try and among the fifteen rods I've got in the fire, I've no problem to let it sit for a while 'cause baby, I'm just heating up.

So over the last 12 years, I have done a lot of traveling in various different forms. I want to share some of my tips and tricks here because I really think that everyone has something to gain from getting out of their comfort zone and getting to know someone or something different - getting to realize that your little world and way of life is definitely not the only one out there. Also, I think some people see the fact that I travel so much as something that I can do because I am privileged, because I come from a family with means, which is certainly true, but not entirely. Being privileged helped me to see things as possible, rather than limited; and when it comes to organizing a trip, this is a huge asset. However, I don't think that in order to access this mindset, one needs to be privileged. With the right information and support, I want to help everyone see that this idea of traveling being reserved for the privileged is a dirty lie, one that protects those interested in keeping others in a limited mindset, but that hurts the majority of today's world. I will probably write a blog about this tomorrow, as this is a whole other topic that's important to address, but I wanted to write this more as an informative article with tips and tricks to try to help others access the privilege of traveling for themselves. This is not nearly exhaustive. Please feel free to leave comments or message me with questions if you have them! The cheat-sheet: - couchsurfing! this is a "free" website like Facebook, but full of people who want to offer you their couch, for free! - friends, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends. when you want to go somewhere, ask everyone you know who could possibly know someone there if they know someone there and don't be ashamed to ask for a place to stay. the worst they can say is "no". - if you do stay with someone, keep clean, do your dishes, be respectful, and open-minded - at all times, be willing to be uncomfortable, to a certain extent - conversely, don't be afraid to advocate for your needs. be open and suggest work-exchanges if you can't afford something. If one place isn't working out, move on. - don't be afraid to sleep outside! camping is cool. also, if you get bothered by the police, use the tourist card and beg for mercy! (probably to be avoided in countries with martial law or seriously fucked up legal systems, there's certainly a horror story or two here) - sublet your apartment while you travel to gain money, sell creative projects such as the 'poem on a postcard project', perform on the streets, or take on odd-jobs. - skip tourist traps, expensive group tours (unless you really want to see something) and trust that sometimes there will be boring moments right before amazing ones. - go slow, sit in a cafe and read for a day, people watch, don't be afraid to relax - speak to the person on the train/plane/bus next to you, try new languages, learn at least, hello, goodbye, please, and thank you in the language of wherever you are. this goes a really long way! - laugh, cry, go to the movies alone, and don't panic in moments of loneliness, fear, or complete confusion and feelings of being totally lost. These are usually the times when humanity shows you a different side of itself, for better or for worse, and you will learn something new about you, too. Here's some different kinds of trips I've tried... The Hostel/Airplane/Bike Tour/Wine and Pizza tour of Italy: Duration: 3 weeks Rough cost: $3,000 Comfort level: Moderate/High After graduating from high school, I convinced my parents to use the money they would spend on a graduation party and my graduation present to let me organize a trip backpacking around Italy. This certainly counts as a privileged trip, as my parents had the means to give me this as a graduation present. This trip cost $3,000 (in 2006) including plane tickets, hostels, bike tours, wine, pizza, and souvenirs. I visited one family friend outside of Milan and a second aunt in Sicily. This saved a large amount of money. I don't recommend Italy if you are on a budget and don't have friends to stay with, as it's still very expensive. However, I do recommend it if you can because the pizza is amazing and there's nothing like hanging out with street performers in Rome. If you are really set on Italy, I have some friends there who may be able to help provide more information and there is always couchsurfing! The Altoids-dipped in LSD/wooden flute on the street/faerie tour of Ireland: Duration: 6 weeks Rough cost: $1,200 Comfort level: Moderate/High After discovering acid and cocaine, I made a "good friend" who had a 91 year old grandmother living in Dublin and managed to get myself invited for a 6 week trip to Ireland. This was a very cheap trip because we stayed with the grandmother and aunts when we traveled. I hopped over to London at one point to visit the same family friend I visited in Milan, at which point my friend took a bunch of ecstasy and flew back to America without warning. This left me alone in Dublin without a back-up plan, but thankfully the aunts of this friend fought for me to be able to stay with the grandmother and I had a lovely last 2 weeks in Dublin. I played my wooden flute on the street for change until it got stolen. I stayed up nights on LSD and the main costs of this trip were food and travel, amounting to approximately $1,200. I felt often uncomfortable and unwelcome. I felt often lost and alone. I spent many hours in pubs or cafes or sitting on street corners, just writing. The freight hopping/hitch-hiking/hobo-life: Duration: 3.5 years (any amount of time really) Rough cost: "Free" - based on donations of others. Comfort level: Low, Sub-Basic. After I came back from Ireland, I knew I couldn't go back to a University that cost $50,000/year when I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life other than travel and so I took a "year of absence." Struggling to find my way during that year working at a local coffee shop and living in an artist's commune on the north side of Pittsburgh, I left again, this time in a car and headed South. The cost of this trip started high with gas, but the rubbertrampers that I picked up along the way taught me how to spange (spare-change) for it - pulling into gas stations and asking people to add a few dollars to our tank until it was full or we got kicked out and had to do it again at the next one. This is a slow way to travel and sometimes a very boring one, but if you have no money and wanna go, it works. The car died in Colorado and I hopped my first freight train. When we got pulled off that train in Bridgeport, Nebraska, we hitch-hiked east towards Michigan. I now had a backpack, with a sleeping bag and warm clothes, a notebook and a book to read, and a dog and we slept wherever, whenever, and spent all our money on booze and food. Sometimes we got "adopted" (when someone would invite us to their house to shower and wash our clothes, or just to hang and party with them and sleep on their floor or couch...this didn't happen all that often, but it did). This way of life is super cheap (unless you catch a heroin habit...in the end I was panhandling and spending about 150$ a day on heroin), really dependent on others, and romantic in the beginning, while sad and sometimes pathetic in the end. For a young woman (I was 19-23), it's traumatic. I woke up sometimes in the middle of the night to strangers trying to touch me sexually, or even pulling down my pants while pulling out their penises. I slept with a knife in my pocket and a big dog at my side. Sometimes I was too drunk to notice until it was pretty late. The young men living this way describe themselves as gutter punks for the most part (though I don't want to minimize, there are a lot of different kinds of people who at least try this lifestyle for a little while) but my experience was that being a gutter punk generally seemed to excuse one for being a misogynist asshole a lot of the time. Calling women names like "cum dumpster" and "bitch" or "whore" is a norm and calling it out signifies being too "PC" or politically correct and not punk enough to kick it. I needed a year and a half of trauma therapy after I got off the streets and off the drugs that were helping me forget the traumas just to go to sleep. I lived this way for almost 4 years, on and off, in and out of jails and rehab centers. In the end, the hidden costs and the recovery costs outweighed whatever anarchistic thing I thought I was doing. What I thought was an anarchistic/anti-capitalist way to live turned out to be one of the most pathetic forms of capitalistic living there is. We were totally dependent on the money given to us by others and never by the ones with lots of it. I sat on Wall Street for many months, only to receive money from poor mothers or workers going to work to support the rich lifestyles of others. The "suits" never kicked down a dime. We spent all our money on alcohol, tobacco, drugs, and McDonalds - four of the largest, most corrupt, global capitalist industries there are. We were not anarchists, we were drug addicts and criminals - barely making a mark on the face of society with our little "protest," except as a large social and financial cost to those who really can't afford it. That being said, I hitch-hiked last summer in Ireland, again in Germany, France, Slovenia, and Indonesia and had a great car-share experience. I highly recommend hitch-hiking as a low-cost way of getting around and getting to know strangers, with a certain level of self-security and faith, of course. The Study-Abroad Traveler: Duration: 1 year Rough cost: covered by scholarship Comfort level: Moderate/High After I got clean, I was able to go back to University with the help of a lot of scholarships and grants. I went to Rutgers for an average of $2,000 a semester after all the grants and scholarships that I applied for and then received. I also had a great advisor who told me that those same financials aids would cover the cost of a study-abroad program and there was no better time to do it than now. I applied to Berlin, where I had visited the year before on a short, 3-week, summer program in Lewes, England, and where I knew there was a great supportive community of recovering people to welcome me. I also didn't need to speak German to get in. When deciding whether or not to accept the program, I received an email informing me that I would receive a $5,000 scholarship to learn German because I was the woman with the highest GPA who had applied for the program. This was a no-brainer. This covered the cost of the program plus $1,000. I lived with a German family who ended up adopting me. The program was 3 months and I lived with them for 2 years (I still have a key!). Since I had the right to work as a student in Germany, I took on a job as an English teacher, which is a seasonal job at a summer camp. This afforded me the opportunity to make money during a certain time and travel during others. At the camp, room and board are part of the payment so I stayed with the German family and had no rent. All the money I made during this time was profit. I stayed on a second year after finishing my studies, while figuring out what to do next. In January of 2016, I was in a serious car accident in which I was injured. I have since had 2 surgeries and am now seemingly "back to normal" with a large scar, nerve damage, and a crooked small finger. All things considered: normal. With the help of a lawyer, I sued the car insurance of the man who crashed into me and received a settlement for pain and suffering on top of the medical costs. I graduated from University in December of 2017 and decided to use some of that money for a trip through Asia, my largest trip yet. Asian Backpacker: Duration: 3 months Rough cost: $3,000 Comfort level: Ranging from high to very low. I wanted to avoid winter in Berlin as well as summer in Indonesia and so I organized a trip from December until March in SE Asia. I started in Taiwan, where my costs were low because I stayed with my brother and his wife until after Christmas when my family went to Vietnam on a Smithsonian vacation, which was the once-in-a-lifetime 60th birthday present for my mother. I really didn't enjoy this trip from a travelers perspective, as I felt very much like a voyeur - like we were separate from the locals and the locals only saw us as sacks of money. This part of the trip was interesting and informative and sometimes beautiful, sometimes sad. However, I could never have afforded it and simply went to be there for my mother's 60th birthday. Smithsonian vacations are very expensive and I'm not positive that it's better, unless you want to stay in nice hotels and have all your travel plans arranged for you in advance with pre-selected guides and restaurants... I went back to Taiwan with my family after Vietnam, but stayed with another friend and her family in Changhua. Staying with a Taiwanese family, who treated me to all kinds of local vegetarian delicacies and toured me around their town of Changhua, was awesome. In Taiwanese culture, it is offensive to let the guest pay. This was uncomfortable at times, but I accepted it for not wanting to offend the family. I felt lost and alone at times, but Kuan was always by my side and ready to show me something. I only stayed 3 days, but I learned a lot and really enjoyed my time with Kuan and her family. I flew from here to the Philippines and stayed my first night in a very cheap hostel, which terrified me. I don't recommend Malate if you are alone and female. The taxi driver immediately began asking me if I was married and whether or not I was a Catholic and honestly, I had no idea how to respond. I pretended I couldn't understand him. Sometimes the cheaper options are not the better options because the price of a good night's rest and your personal safety is invaluable. The next morning, I took the metro to a recovery meeting. I left at 5 am and packed myself in with the help of others. Men pulled me on and protected me. The weird paradox about seemingly dangerous areas when you are a traveler is that sometimes it inspires the good people to step up and protect you against the bad. You just need a good fuck-off face and heightened intuitions as well as a strong sense of faith in a higher power that's gonna guide you, whether that's something spiritual or rational, it doesn't matter. It just helps, alot. I had no idea what I was going to do next. I was started to really feel like I had made a mistake. I had literally no plans, just plane tickets in and out of the countries. Luckily, at this meeting, I ran into a friend of a friend from New York who was visiting his family in the Philippines and he took me in. I had a place to stay, I had people to take care of me, and we went everywhere together. I took a small side trip myself, staying in a cheap boarding house and sleeping on overnight buses, but otherwise, I was taken care of by these friends and new friends. The Philippines turned out to be my favorite experience in Asia. I also stayed in Palawan with friends of a friend who hosted me at their hostel. This was an awesome experience, but also kind of lonely because I wasn't sure what I was doing there. I got sick from the water and needed to sleep for a whole day while my fever went down. Then, I met a cool surfer guy (Hey Antoni!!) with a car who took me around for great vegan burgers and this trip got better and better. I asked friends and friends of friends where to go and who to stay with. I asked locals for food advice. I tried to avoid obvious tourist traps and I traveled with a backpack, so I wasn't carrying many souvenirs. I sent postcards instead. People donated for the cost of the stamps. There are many scams, like having to pay $20 to go see the hanging coffins, which is a 45 minute gentle walk with hundreds of other people all around. However, it's controlled and there's no other way to see them. The sunrise hike for the "sea of clouds" was cool, but also expensive to do and you are definitely not alone. I moved on to Singapore, then Indonesia. I lost some money because I cancelled a trip to Thailand and India - feeling overwhelmed with all the moving around, and I had already booked Air BnBs which had a no refund policy. That's something to look out for with cheap or good deals on flights and/or lodging because when you arrive, things always change around. I booked all my flights in advance, which was generally necessary for the visa to enter each country (to have a flight out) but it's not necessarily cheaper. I wish I had waited in the end. In Indonesia, I helped organize a community festival and provided English lessons and a poetry workshop for a local NGO, which supported my stay there. I was not staying in 5 star hotels and did not always have a basic level of comfort, but I did have a basic level of needs met. Sometimes, I had even more than that. The sense of community and caring and sharing in Sumbawa was unparalleled. It could get very hot, I had many ant bites, and sometimes I felt really sad. Most of all, I missed a hot and clean shower, which I later had in Bali. Having my period in Sumbawa was difficult due to the lack of clean water, but I survived and I never got sick and had no infections. This trip cost me, including all of the plane tickets and the money lost, around $3,000. I haven't done a full run-down but I know from the numbers in my bank account. It could have cost less if I had been smarter about not booking non-refundable things in advance. What I have gained from this trip in terms of experience, is invaluable. The friends I have made, including people like Siu Sien Huang, who simply sat next to me on the plane from Singapore to Jakarta, started a pleasant conversation and then proceeded to help me through customs and to stay in contact since, sending me a personalized notebook to record my experiences and my poetry - all for just 2 hours that we had to spend together or Andrew James Agana, who treated me my last night in Manila with a 2 hour real Filipino massage - who offered his couch to me for 2 weeks, who was warm and friendly and respectful - could never be counted next to a dollar sign. I recently asked some college students how much they generally spend one night at the bar. They said around $20, which is probably a low estimate. How many days a week do they go to the bar? 2-3 (also probably a low estimate). That makes $60 a week on the low side. If they didn't drink for 50 weeks (for roughly one year), they could easily spend three months in Asia, just for perspective's sake. The Bike Tour Duration: 3.5 days Rough cost: $70 for two. Comfort level: Moderate/High (depending on how much you like biking ;)) This is the cheapest, healthiest, most environmentally friendly way to travel. It's also arguably the slowest (with the exception of walking), but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You will slow down and see things you wouldn't otherwise. You get to know yourself, intimately. Recently, my partner and I decided we wanted to go to Orléans to visit a friend of his. It's 120 km (about 75 miles) from where we live to the SW of Paris. We planned a weekend, we packed up the bikes with the saddle bags, mostly full of food and water, a camping hammock, a zero-degree sleeping bag, warm clothes, change of underwear and socks, and we left. Knowing we were in France, we didn't worry about food or water too much. We shopped at Lidl and local boulangeries to keep it cheap, organic, and delicious. We cooked most of the stuff we were eating at home and at the house of his friend in Orléans. We rode 120km the first day, rested in Orléans the second, doing a 15 km tour of the ville, and then rode into the forest of Rambouillet the second (90 km) where we built a fire and slept under the full moon in camping hammock and did a leisurely 35 km home the next day. This trip cost a total of probably 60euros for food, seeing as we already had all the other gear (bikes, saddle bags, camping hammock and sleeping bag). Whatever your vice is that's inhibiting you from traveling, know that you are not alone, but that there is hope. Please feel free to reach out for any advice or questions and share your stories here as well!

Firstly, I want to send my sincere condolences to the victims of the shooting in Pittsburgh yesterday. I don't mean to undermine their suffering with my comments, though I know some people will find this message crude. Regardless, it's important. We are like hamsters on this crazy wheel of racism and gun violence, constantly mourning the symptoms of the larger American problem. I'm not trying to go on a liberal anti-gun rampage here. I shot guns in Kentucky and fucking loved it. I felt powerful. I felt liberated. It terrified me and excited me at the same time. That's not what I want to talk about here. I want to talk about the fact that we are an insane society, constantly repeating the same thing and expecting different results. I'm talking about the fact that we need to reform our behaviors and our attitudes, and most especially, our laws surrounding gun control. Here's a photo of Pittsburgh, today, 1 day after 11 people died in a massacre in a synagogue: We also need to reform our actions. We need to ask ourselves from crucial questions, on a profound level. Why do we continue to wait until people die to gather? Why does it take this to move people? Why is this guy able to publicly proclaim racist remarks on social media and in his every day life and still own a gun? The answers are in some cases, obvious. Our president is doing the same thing, every day, killing people will his policies on a larger scale than this racist ever could. However, it doesn't cease to be sad. I am voting this year. First time in 12 years. I am in Pittsburgh, where I am registered to vote. Where I grew up, where I went to highschool just 10 minutes away from where this shooting took place. I'm feeling really tired of human beings as a race. I'm beyond tired of capitalism and I never wanted to vote for one capitalist over another. But this is just too much. Wake up, America. Wake up. The problem is not the mental health of this one man. This is not an aberrant numeral in an otherwise perfectly algorithmic chain. This is the algorithm. Racism and gun violence. Fascism and hate. Panic and mental illness. This is our president and this is us. But we can change. Despite the underlying hopelessness, I still believe that we can change.

Ok, so this is a bit hard for me to admit. The thing is, for the last 12 years, since 2006, I have not gone to vote. Refusing to vote was my protest and my rebellion against a society in which I feel I have no voice. I justified myself with a "No Gods, No Masters" slogan, a seasoning of, "If the system is broken, then I'm not going to participate in it until it's fixed. There are no candidates for which I want to vote; therefore, I will not vote," and a dash of, "It's just a bunch of rich, crusty old white males anyways." Until now. This past election, living abroad in Berlin, I became acutely aware of American politics in a new way. Whereas before, the media disgusted me, all the players were evil, playing an evil game in which I wanted no part; now, I had a whole new perspective and access to a wider angle of perspective and history. Furthermore, I had no choice. Many Germans, as soon as they detected my American accent, immediately asked me the inevitable, "But, Trump??" question. A culture that has learned from its fascist past, the Germans, in my two-year experience of living there, are very quick to speak frankly about politics, something a 14-year-old student described to me as a conscious effort to remain informed in order not to repeat the past. I found myself, for fear of seeming ill-informed and ignorant, wanting to be more informed. Not always particularly proud to be an American, I found myself getting involved in international political debates and enjoying them; I found the information interesting and I learned things about my own country that I wasn't taught in school, nor through the media. I read the constitution. I began following the news, all kinds of news, searching for the truth through all the biases. In this way, the Internet has been a blessing, a hive of information and, if I can keep my emotions in check, a good place to engage in debate and to share across borders. After hearing enough of the negative critiques, many from people who have never been to America, I found myself wanting to believe in the American system. I found myself wanting to rejoin the fight, to stop acting as though all is lost, because it's not. Hidden deep behind the treasure troves of these misogynist, greedy, egocentric white males (and in a smaller proportion, females and POC, too) who control politics through lobbying, is the law and a system, one that still gives me the right and the privilege to participate. Not yet ready to vote, I made myself available to help a friend register an absentee ballot for the 2016 election. When the results came, I spent the afternoon holding her, a California resident of Syrian descent, while she cried in my arms for fear of her family suffering as a result of the outcome. What could I say? She had thrown in her ballot; and she had lost. Now I stood on the sidelines to care for her wounds, but I should've been out on the battlefield, trying to make sure she didn't get hurt in the first place. I began to see my own culpability as an American, with the right to vote in America, a country with a wide range of influence around the world. Even if it's a small degree of power, the vote is a degree of power and it's one that I need to exercise. I no longer have the right or the desire to hide in the shadows with my fingers in my ears, a petulant child rebelling against my omnipotent and controlling parents. I will not continue to look the other way, while the President of the country of which I am a resident, continues to belittle women and People of Color, as well as throw away years of hard work for social justice and environmental protection as candidly as if he were picking numbers for the lottery. I will not ignore the detainment camps imprisoning families on American soil. I will not ignore my responsibility for American Foreign Policy, nor domestic issues such as Health Care and Welfare. This year, I will cast my vote for women, for the trans and queer communities, for POC, for justice, and for the environment and from this point forward, I won't stop.

Lately I've heard several friends who I love and respect as artists speaking about the struggles of continuing with the grind. There's always a moment - and sometimes more than one - when we ask ourselves, why the hell am I putting myself through all this? I don't really know why, I can't give a definitive "it's for love" answer because that's not how I feel at the end of it all, but rather, because it's what I should do, it's what I love to do, it's what I feel makes living on this earth worthwhile...sharing, creating, and inspiring others to do the same. It hasn't been an easy trajectory for me to reject the capitalist mentality in which I was raised. I am regularly fighting in my head against wanting to capitalize on my work, as well as trying to figure out when it is necessary to capitalize on the work in the interest of paying the artists, as well as suffering when I re-realize that in order for art to survive in today's world, there is always a consumerist component, whether it's the art itself or the drugs *legal or not* sold on the sidelines to keep the venues going. In the end, it's always those around me who inspire me. It's been easy living the last two years in Berlin - where everyone's an artist, there's venues that give their space to artists for exhibitions for free, and no one's really competing with the next one to be seen or heard. We live in an artists' utopia - which is changing as the city gentrifies - but remains at least until today. I had this moment riding my bike to the exhibition on the last day, feeling exhausted, bruised, stressed, tired, and at the same time, weirdly calm, when I realized that this bullshit hallmark phrase about something that separates the good from the great being perseverance or persistence or determination and I thought: NO. No. No. No. NO. What separates the good from the great is the help that they had from the people who surrounded them. For me, it was Juliette, Darren and Louis above all, followed closely behind by Kiki, Zafire, and Alex. Idan, S Ruston, and Allison pulled their own weight and Evan inspired the whole idea of the exhibition, though he wasn't able to participate much apart from that. Either way, I'm grateful for every single one of these amazing, incredible, inspiring people who made this event possible and I think if you want to do something great, my best advice is to find great people and let them show you the way. xx

One of my favorite aspects of collaborating with other artists on new and interesting themes, such as the 7 Deadly Sins for this weekend's exhibition, is the wealth and range of information that I learn, very often completely unexpectedly. Sometimes the experience hopeful and inspiring, such as watching poet Allison Baldwin walk through writer's block and get to the heart of what she desires to say, changing a mediocre first draft into her stellar 23-page series: Balancing Act. Other times, it highlights a more unflattering side of humanity. Performance Artist and trans activist Zafire Vrba informed me very recently about the topic of their performance for this weekend, On Animals and Cleaning, which relates to the forced sterilization of trans people in Sweden until 2013 and the eugenic obsession in which this procedure is based. When I heard 'until 2013', I felt shocked and appalled; but how could this be?! Honestly, I had no idea. And then, I spoke to some friends from France, the country where I am currently residing, only to find out that it was happening until 2016. Here's a very informative map and chart of Europe from 2014 just to give you an idea. Furthermore, the US is no better as this is an issue divided state by state, but finding a map as clear as this one is hard to find. AND...sometimes the more you learn, you can find little molecules of hope amongst the madness...here's 2018's versions of the same map and chart: Thankfully, several countries, under the pressure of human rights activists around the world, have begun to change their ways. However, this does not mean the system is perfect or comfortable, as 34 countries in Europe still require a mental health diagnosis of gender identity disorder, which categorizes being trans as having a mental illness. I share this to share it, because I believe that the more people know, the more likely it is that human rights violations such as this can change - as evidenced by the work of these organizations: Transgender Europe and Open Society Foundations and the work of 7x7's amazing performance artist, Zafire. And another hopeful UPDATE! From Zafire: "The last map has become a bit more complicated since it was posted in May, WHO has removed trans from the mental health disorders and placed it under sexual health, with the intention to encourage countries to offer trans care not just through specific trans clinics but also through sexual health clinics, making the care much more spread and accessible. There is a good article here: https://tgeu.org/world-health-organisation-moves-to-end-classifying-trans-identities-as-mental-illness/" So, why do I share this? Because after years and years of trans activism of trying to depathologize trans identities, the map has already changed for the better and we only hope to keep that trajectory going. Being informed is a super-power. Sharing with others is exercising that power. Creating something that speaks to our traumatized society in an effort to make art out of the madness is just downright being beautiful. Zafire's On Animals and Cleaning will be performed on Saturday, September 29th at 19h18 at Gelegenheiten, Weserstr. 50, Berlin. For a very informative document from Open Society Foundations about forced sterilization, human rights, and several arguments for and against, click here.

If you are a freelancer, or you would like to be one, I'm going to share a little secret with you. Your new best friend is going to be a regular, by this I mean: daily, to-do list. You can experiment and find what works for you; but for me, I have found that sectioning off my to-do list into specific projects, listing the most pressing first helps me significantly. Furthermore, when I am close to a deadline like right now (4 days before the first 7x7 Exhibition in Berlin), I find that it's really good to section the list off by days...prioritizing what needs to get done TODAY as well as tomorrow, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, etc. Also important! The last and largest section is the "personal" section, which includes things such as : sleep, eat well, go running, meditate, do yoga, and take care of my amazing partner. This is something I started doing more recently as I was noticing that I was more and more stressed, my jaw more and more clenched, and I was struggling to do my usual 30 minute meditation in the morning. SO here are my sections today: Social Media: Creators 4 Progress: Kathy (one of my regular business contracts): Practical: (for the exhibition this weekend) Personal: I cross things off as I get them done...and when everything for today is done, I take care of myself making sure to rest, recuperate, and remember that revitalizing myself as a human being is just as important as being productive and being on top. If I don't care care of my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health...then, well, what's the point? I hope this helps...here's a lovely photo of today's list and feel free to message with questions and/or for more info!

So, for me it's pretty obvious, but that's because I was raised in a Catholic home and I survived 11 years of Catholic school, church, religious education, and all of the dogma and doctrine that told me that I was going to hell and that there was no chance for redemption for my soul. I was very young when I first heard this and then it was reconfirmed again and again and again until the point where I said, well, "Fuck it," if I'm going to go to hell anyways, then why not have fun on the way there. You see, in the Catholic faith, there are the deadly sins, the "fun" sins for us sinners: greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, pride, wrath, and lust, and there are the mortal sins, such as sex before marriage and eating communion without having confessed your sins. The deadly sins will lead you to the mortal sins or to complete demoralization. The mortal sins leave a mark on your soul that prohibits you from entering heaven. You can pray and pray and pray and pray and repent and pray and hope that God will be forgiving (which if as a young child you look up to these strict people telling you that you are horrible and punishing you mercilessly for your sins on earth, you begin to believe that he's not...) in order to get into purgatory, where you can wait to go to heaven...but if not, you go to hell. Do not pass Go, Do not collect 200$. Go directly to hell. Game over. This disturbed me, tormented me, and ultimately left me suicidal at the age of 16, feeling like how could it be so possible that I was just a bad person inside and out? Didn't I love animals? Didn't I want to help people? Wasn't it I that collected a whole pillowcase of Halloween candy to give out the school bus window to the homeless guy panhandling on the bridge? So, two years ago a photographer in New Jersey, Evan Criscuolo of Evolution Images decided to make a series, photographing each of the sins, and asked me to model. I got to be wrath. It was so cool, and fun, and the photos were spectacular. This intrigued me. I said you know, I'm living in Berlin and it would be the perfect place to do an exhibition with these photos. I could write some poems and we could make a thing out if it. It took some time, but here we are. This Friday and Saturday at Gelegenheiten, 7x7 will arrive. And it's even better than all that. We have photos, poetry, music, dance, ritual, confessions, cleaning, penis sculptures, and a big bad gluttonous vegan buffet. I can't wait. If this isn't heaven, well then I don't know what is. I must've done a pretty good job of repenting, because God have I arrived.

7x7 is a creative, historical, mythological, and prepostoral exploration of the 7 deadly sins, with speakers and an international group of artists commenting on Catholic Theology, through psychology, music, dance, poetry, soundscapes, tattoos, photography, theatre, sculpture, and more. Bring your lust, bring your greed, bring your envy, sloth, pride, wrath, and of course, your gluttony! Audrey Rosey - Performance Theatre, Ritual Juliette Claire - Performance Theatre, Sculpture Allison Baldwin - Poetry Zafire Vrba - Sound piece, guided journey Idàn Sagiv Richter, My little sideshow, music and video performance, www.idansagivrichter.com Alexandre Dujardin, Densha Tattoo, Handpoke Tattoos Sophie Rusty, S Ruston, DJ, Soundscape, Performance Evan Criscuolo, Photography Friday Sept 28: Doors: 19.18, Photography exhibition by Evan Criscuolo Opening Ritual: 21.07 Saturday Sept 29: 17.43: Doors, Poetry by Allison Baldwin, Flash Tattoos with @Densha Tattoo Trauma Speaker/Workshop - the traumatic impact of catholicism/the 7 deadly sins, the corresponding virtues 19.18: Zafire Vrba Historical context/roundtable 20.58: Idàn Sagiv Richter, My little sideshow 22.40: Sophie Rusty/dance party/music/drinks/food a gluttonous vegan buffet 01.05 (30/9) - Fin. There is no cover for this event, donations will be taken to support the venue and the artists. Artwork for the flyer graciously donated by RenDi Young. 📷

This week, Antwon Rose, a 17 year old young man was shot and killed by the police in my hometown, Pittsburgh, Pennsylania. 2 years ago, he wrote this poem. I wanted to share because this voice is an important voice - a voice that to me represents so many of the young black generation that I have so far had the opportunity to work with and one that encourages me to reflect, to humanize, to connect, and to remember that I never know how the person sitting next to me, regardless of color, regardless of sex, regardless of origin may be feeling inside. I never know what they confront on a daily basis. How can I?